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"My Heart, My Soul "Written By: ShenLong Disclaimer: I don't own the G'boys, I just borrow
them from time to time to play with and return them a whole lot happier,
ne? Also I don't own the song "Taking Over Me" either, it
belongs to Evanescence and as such all rights are theirs. Rating: PG 13 Warnings: Angst, song fic, shonen-ai, Quatre POV Pairings: 3+4 Spoilers: Yes for the series. Archive: http://gundam-wing-diaries.150m.com Summary: Set in Quatre POV as he questions himself over his 'Zero' episode that led to Trowa's demise and resulting amnesia. // Indicates song lyrics //
"My Heart, My Soul" May. 2004 ShenLong
The screaming over the com link somehow managed to pierce my mind and shatter the grip that this devil of a Gundam had over me, flooding my senses with the horror of what I had just done. I hung my head in shame and then raised it again. I had destroyed an entire colony, and then, as if that wasn't bad enough, I had obliterated the one person in this entire universe that had understood me. The one person with whom I'd found a connection, formed a special bond and had begun to have a relationship with. Trowa... // You don't remember me, but I remember you. "Trowa!" I wake up, your name still upon my lips, sweat beading on my brow. It takes me a few moments to clear my head, to realize that this was all but a dream, a re-occurring nightmare; and even longer to control the shivering of my body and erratic beating of my heart. Shakily I switch on the bedside lamp and instantly the room is bathed in a soft, yellow glow. I wrap my arms around myself seeking some sort of comfort but the ache in my chest refuses to cease. Trowa? Where are you? I bury my face in my hands but the tears will not fall, instead my frustration grows, the anger flares until the pain in my skull jerks me back and I lower my hands, blonde strands caught between my fingers, pulled out by the roots. // I believe in you, Somewhere, somewhere out there I know you still exist, maybe not in the physical sense anymore but your spirit is there... I can feel it. My chest tightens with pain. Despite the reassurances of the other pilots, Heero in particular stating I wasn't myself; I know different. I should have been able to control it; I should have been able to fight it. But I didn't, and now? Now I have to live with the knowledge that I am the one responsible for your death. Duo isn't the only one who has death follow him around. Maybe I should have been called Shinigami for the deaths that can be contributed to my excuse for an existence. I swear, Trowa. I don't care how long it takes, or what I have to do, I will find you. I will scour every inch of this universe until I locate you. It's the least I can do... give you a decent burial. // I have to be with you to live, to breathe. Until I can find you, until I have the chance to try to atone for my mistake there will be no rest, no peace for my tortured mind and soul. How could I have destroyed something so beautiful, so meaningful? The anguish washes through me again, tearing at my fragile psyche, ripping through my very core, the harsh, dry, sobs torn from my very soul; but the tears still refuse to fall. Time passes, my search is fruitless and while I continue to battle on, I do so with an empty feeling inside. My only reason to fight now is to try and make up for my mistakes, to do my penance and wipe out those who started this bloody war in the first place. And then... I found you. Trowa... // Have you forgotten all I know? My heart skipped a beat and I thought my eyes truly deceived me. But no. Duo convinced me it was you. So elated was I that I had finally found you that the thought never crossed my mind that maybe you didn't wish to see me. The young woman made that perfectly clear. Duo was just as perplexed as I at first. It came to me then that after all I had done it was no wonder you no longer wished to be associated with me, and that I can accept. But Duo? You had no reason not to speak with him. Or did you? Finding out about your amnesia, while in one way was a blessing; in another way it was a curse. The hope that had flared was soon snuffed out when I realized that you no longer remembered... Me... You... Us. // You saw me mourning my love for you I tried so desperately to apologize for my mistake, to beg your forgiveness, but it was fruitless when you had no recollection of the events that had occurred. How could you forgive something you knew nothing about? But that didn't tear me apart as much as the love I'd lost. How can I bear to live with myself knowing you no longer remember the fragile relationship we shared? Let alone the fact that you no longer knew who you were or what you had been. I couldn't even try to explain it to you, the lost, confused look in your eyes when you first saw us, heard us bombarding you with words of relief at having found you at last will haunt me forever. After that ordeal I tried to do what that girl wanted and keep my distance from you, mourning the loss of a love that had only just begun to blossom, a friendship that had grown from mutual trust and respect; leaving you free to live your new life. But it wasn't to be. How much time had passed I do not recall but you came for me, touched my hand as your emerald eyes stared deeply into mine and in that instant, I knew. I knew you remembered... I knew you forgave me... I knew you loved me. // I believe in you Just exactly when your amnesia left and your memory returned, I have no idea and nor do I care. All I know is that my search had eventually paid off. You were back. // I have to be with you to live and breathe, My heart was filled to overflowing, the joy I experienced knowing that the man that I loved had returned, overwhelming me. The fact that you bore me no malice for my act of madness increased my guilt. How can you forgive me so easily? But as always the softly spoken words soothed my troubled soul and eventually I was able to forgive myself. When I did it was like a stone was lifted from my being, freeing me to enjoy your companionship once more. // I look in the mirror and see your face, The war has finally ended and although I am ill at ease with the title, we are, I suppose, all heroes in our own way. Another day has dawned, I rinse out my toothbrush and then my mouth. Raising my eyes I peer into the mirror and smile as your face appears in the depths just behind my own. I fixate my gaze upon your handsome features as you move gracefully behind me, wrapping your arms around my waist and nuzzling at my neck. My mind once more drifts to the past. // So many things inside that are just like you I cannot help but recall the moment I lost myself to your bewitching eyes. To read the dawning of recognition as it flitted across your features was more warming to me than any sun could ever be. I feel the tears of happiness well in my own eyes as I continue to watch your reflection, your lips as they close against my neck and I realize that the Trowa I fell in love with, the Trowa I nearly killed, the Trowa that came back to me and forgave me has completely taken over my existence. And I have never been happier. ~ Owari ~
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